I am now in a position of being lost and not knowing how to proceed. Life is no longer what I used to know, sure I live in the same place, same house same husband and same 3 cats. When I look around all seems normal, and in the right spots but it never will be like what it was even 2 months ago.
I have been anxiously waiting to hear something, ANYTHING from Hamilton Children's Aid Society. Something to confirm that they have received my applications (which I know they have since it was sent registered and I have a signature confirmation) but I mean something to validate the fact with a simple phone call, an email something to say hey we haven't forgotten you!
I honestly knew that the whole process would be one that needed patience. But Already I find myself antsy I want to know something, I am ready to take the next step, I want to move on with this and see some kind of results. Even that one phone call to say hey yup we got it, we just need you to bear with us would put my mind at ease that my application didn't just end up in the garbage.
I am learning very quickly and only barely a month into the process that this is going to drive me nuts! I like most people out there love having control. I have always been this way, and asking me to change overnight isn't going to happen, I know that I will learn to as the process continues but right now holy jeez. It feels like this is going to take a billion years and by the time they match a child with us we will be in retirement homes. *laughs* ok I am going just a tad overboard there with that comment, but most people in their lives like to know that they are in control of their day to day life. That they can control the outcome of what happens. It doesn't always turn out the way we wanted it to or anticipated it to and I know that comes with parenting knowing that excpecting the unexpected is the daily norm. So I know that I have to give it up, well not fully. I always plan to have control over what my children play with, watch on tv, read, see on the internet etc.....
But right now I feel like I am going nuts. And I know that it is alright to feel that way, because it is a normal emotion but at the same time I feel like I should be changing. I welcome the change that children will bring into my life, but all I am asking for is the simple conformation that it will eventually happen. My mind is running away on itself. Last night I laid in bed and asked Peter in all honesty if he thought we were rejected and didn't want us to be parents....did I mess up the application that I felt I put my all into? Are they looking at the answers we wrote as "not parent material?" He tried to assure me that there are a lot of applicants and they have a lot to go through and not to take it personally.
But how can't I? I want this so bad and I know deep down I am meant to be a mother. So the thought of rejection when it comes to becoming a mother scares the living bejezus out of me! I feel so raw and exposed right now, and I haven't even gone through any interviews or homestudies. I guess maybe time to look at the positive that by feeling this now the invasive interviews won't feel so bad because it will be a relief that I have made it that far in the process.
Ok that was heavy....I apologize for that but that is what a blog is right? Keeping people up to date as much as I can on how I feel right now. How the process is making me think, and the ups and downs that go with it. Right now I am feeling a downside. Those who are thinking about going through the process can feel normal with their feeling if they match mine and they know they are normal for thinking so. I don't know anyone who has gone through this process, and I am going through it with no one who (other than Peter of course) can relate. I don't want others out there to feel the same way.
So Garage Sale #2 is on the horizon. Just to get rid of the stuff we didn't sell the first time. Of course will add another bakesale to it, and this time do it myself with my mom so that there is no one feeling they have to donate their time when I have done so much for them and they can't be bothered to make me feel important in my time. But I am still thinking there is so much more I can do to add to the adoption fund....
The Garage sale - successful! (more to do with the stuff)
New Years babysitting and Christmas gift wrapping - sadly a fail.
I have been thinking about just doing baking on the side and seeing if anyone wants to place orders with me. I make wicked Cream Cheese chocolate chip cookies, and I make AMAZING double chocolate reese cookies that people rave about but always only want them for free. So I was thinking about putting that together and trying to see how that goes.
other than that I can't think of anything else I can do beside pinching all our pennies, not doing very much outside the house. Putting all our change in to jars, doing swagbucks, gift hulk InstaGC (again please contact me if you would like to join under me and earn some money online)
I know the easiest way to do this would be to go back and get a job at say a Tim Horton's, but how do you explain to a new employer that you need to take time off for parenting classes, and intervies and home studies and all that. They will look at me and be like well why do you want a job?
Also going through a house cleanse right now....haven't bought groceries in about 2 weeks now trying to eat what is in the house to save money by not just adding more in that won't be eaten and go to waste. Using up everything now as a way to save money.
We aren't sinking please don't think that. my thoughts are just coming out in no particular order...just the way I feel right now because if we have more money put aside for the child the better we will look. So I am just trying to think of more ways to put aside money for our child. I know that after a few years of being home with our child when they go to school I fully want to go back to work so that I can make sure to keep up the needs of them, because we all know that as they get older they get more expensive.
But I am 100% firm on feeling that especially with an adopted child I want that child to feel comfortable in our home and feel a sense of belonging. I think in my heart that it would be so disruptive to bring a child into our home just to send them out every day to a caregiver. In some cases they have been shuffled around enough and I want them to feel stable. I think I have covered this in another blog post, so I won't continue.
So now that I see I am getting more readers any fund raising ideas you have - send me a message! Comment below so that I can hear your thoughts and your ideas! I would love to hear them.
thanks for all the readers I have!
Till next time
xox Kate xox