The last time I wrote was Feb 27th. That to me seems like an eon ago!
My Life has become so busy that sometimes it feels like I don't even know what to do with myself! My life seems to have to be scheduled these days. We have started our PRIDE training where we find ourselves enjoying the material of what we are learning then to come to this last past class where bam it all just got so heavy! I don't know how much I am allowed to reveal about the classes in an open forum like this, but lets just say it was harsh. Things we don't want to think about happening in the world of course are happening and in this course being 100% brought to our attention. We need to know these things, we need to prepare and we need to know how to handle such situations. But in the end it is enough to shatter a person's beliefs of the world the one that they want to be the pretty picture of all things loving and charming.
But even with the topics pushed aside we keep pushing on because we know we are doing the right thing. This is what we want to do, just a little harder than we expected it to be. So now here is our typical week setting. Mondays is the day to review the homework, Tuesdays we go to pride class, Wednesdays our social worker is here who may or may not give us more homework. Thursday the reading starts of all the stuff assigned on Tuesday - Friday the reading continues the homework get started and by Sunday we have it done and ready to start the review the next week to prepare to answer the questions that come at us again on Tuesday. We have to try and squeeze in grocery shopping and family, and friends. We have to try and allow our schedule to allow us to sit down together and watch a movie and just tune out the world and let all worries drop off our shoulders.
It is a lot let me tell you. It is a 360 degree turn of what we are used to and a complete change of being able to do what we want when we want. I try to maintain all my relationships through this but believe me it is hard to do but I do try and make a quick call here, a facebook message there. My earnings on my sites has definitely dropped. But at the end of the day when I am looking back on it I am still thankful that this is happening. Because it may be stressful now but I would rather it end on May 13 when our course is over and move on to a different life filled with children and be prepared then to be compleltey blind sided and want to pull my hair out with children.
Since starting this I knew that my life would never be the same, and I was right in that aspect that is for sure. My life is nothing like it was. But going through this, it is not only an eye opener of the real world, it is also learning tools to help me cope with the world now that I see it without the rose coloured glasses. It may be hard yes, and I may be busy every day of the week, but really who with children isn't? It just prepares me for the busy life coming to me in the future. And that I know I can handle. It all takes time to settle into place and the routine to become the new norm. Sure things seem hectic now its only week 3 of 9.
But I guess the upside of it all is, I have great trainers in my course and I have a wonderful social worker who has now upped our visits to every week instead of every second week. Very nice people are working with us on all of this and that creates a very postive team of support. It could be worse. They say that the most rewarding things in life are those things that we have to work the hardest towards achieving. So at the end of this it will all be worth it.
Now I don't know exactly who reads my blog or if anyone really does....so I have to be very sparce on my forthcoming of information. I can't go into detail of the things I know and the things that are exactly happening with all of this because it could be a major breach of privacy. So I do apologize for the briefness of my knowledge, but it is what I have to stick to right now as things are kind of all over the place right now.
But anyone else who has ever or is thinking about going through PRIDE courses please feel free to contact me to talk, or to comment and let me know your thoughts and how things are going to or have affected your personal life.
I have a very good friend well ok she is my best friend and she doesn't live in this country. She heard some of the most devastaing news of her life this week. I was ready to alter my life to fly down there on a whim to be able to sit with her and make sure she was ok. I was going to fit it in between my courses and social worker visit so that I could do both at the same time. I should have flown out this morning bright and early, but here I am writing in my blog. She left me feeling a bit rejected because of a birthday party her kids were supposed to attend at someones place that I thought she could be a friend but she turned out to be quite a condescending person who is in an abusive relationship and won't even attempt to help herself. Again no names will be revealed. I doubt either of them read this anyway. But anyway so I got put on the back burner of trying to do something really nice for someone I cared about to be put in second place. I guess the old saying comes back location location location. I tried to accept the last time I was down there that I had somewhat been replaced, I mean hell I live in Canada what am I supposed to do. I do my best to talk to my friend on a daily basis when I can, I keep her involved in every aspect of my life. Believe me she knows more than anyone else does that is for sure. I don't want to lose this friend as she has been my friend for almost 10 years and we have made the effort at all times to be there for each other even though a whole country separates us. In no way am I just going to give up, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel left out, hearing her call that thing her wife, or knowing that she gets to be with her whenever she wants. It sucks, it really does. But sometimes we have to do things we don't like in order to be able to keep people in our lives.
I guess I just have to hold on to the hope that I will not be fully replaced. That I hold some part in this friends heart that can't be just overshadowed by someone new. I put in my time, I have flown there at every opportunity to be there for her and her family. I go out of my way. that takes more effort than just living there. I just have to keep in mind the quote
"True Friendship isn't about only being there when it's convenient, its about being there when it's not"
I have put myself out to be rejected because of this other friends plan. So where as it stings and really hurts my feelings I have to put on the brave face pretend it doesn't hurt and move on hoping that I won't be pushed along the wayside.
PRIDE courses have really taught me something about myself, and I am just going to keep learning. It doesn't only make you think about what is right for children but makes you realize that you need to do in life what is right for you. If behaviour like this continues and it is hurtful then you have to take the steps to remove the hurt from your life and make it a happy place. I can only put up with so much until I realize that maybe things just aren't worth it. I can't wait for someone else to remove it for me as I am not a child but a knowing adult to know that change sometimes is for the best in a hurt situation. Children aren't the only ones who hurt we do too.
Well I better get to my reading and homwork.
Till next time.
xox Kate xox