What an open ended subject heading. Or so it seems like for me. Maybe fitting is the right word.
Bad bad me? Why you might ask? Well lets see it has been way too long since I have written in here. Bad Bad me! I have been made feel in the last while that asking for help when I am always putting myself out there for people and never asking for anything in return that all I get is very little support when I expected a big amount due to the fact that I have been basically a doormat for them to walk on use and abuse me. How Dare I! Bad bad me! I wanted to keep this blog on a lighter note on how things are coming along with the process of adopting. But I have come to realize that of course with the good always has to come the bad. It can't be all rainbows lollipops and sunshine. There are going to be twists and turns and upset feelings. So I might as well just get it all out and stop trying to only portray the good in my life.
I should have read the last post that I wrote, because I am really not sure what it was about lol (bad bad me!) I think it was about the success of my garage sale. But you see what I never posted about was the failure that came with that garage sale. I don't want to go into very much detail, but it made me see things in a whole new light. It made me realize that some people don't share the same priorities in life that I do. It fully made me realize that I can only take so much as a human being until I reach the point that I feel that I am going to snap. Did I snap? No, I didn't in fact I just removed myself from the situation.
Life is what we make it. Plain and simple. We can spend our lives blaming our past for where we are today, but where does that get us? The past should only be used as a reminder of the things we don't want to see in our future if it is really that bad. We can learn from those things and decide as adults that isn't what we want. Or we can take the route where we blame the world, and think that everyone owes us something. I choose the first way. I didn't have an easy past, and I have even had my father walk out of my life and choose to raise another "daughter" over me (not sure if I have touched this subject before so bare with me!) I spent 6 agonizing years crying and feeling so hurt and so betrayed that I let it overcome my life. I wasn't me, I was the shell of who i used to be and let it consume my every thought of the day. It was a very dark time in my life. But you know what it made me realize that as a parent I want to be NOTHING like him. I would never choose to leave my daughter (or son for that matter) behind no matter what their age. The last time I ever spoke to my father was his birthday in 2003. Yup....10 long years ago. April marked that hard anniversary for me. He chose. In my opinon he chose wrong, but it isn't my decision to make. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle, he wasn't there for the news that he is (no matter what he is my biological father) going to be a grandfather through adoption. he may never get the chance to see my children flourish and thrive but it doesn't change the fact that he will be their grandfather. Pivitol moments in my life he decided to give up. And once upon a time I would wish for that to cause him misery and pain and heartache and that he suffered. Now I just sit there and say ok you made your bed now you lie in it. 6 years I let it eat at me, and finally one day I woke up and realized I was giving him too much power over me. How could someone not be in my life and still control me? Nope I was done, I washed my hands of the situation stepped back and realized I deserved better. I could have better I just had to let the animosity go and move on. It also wasn't fair to those who were close to me. Especially Peter, I put that poor guy through the ringer with the emotions and ups and downs I had. But like a good husband he stood by me every step even if it was to just akwardly hug me because he had no clue what to do and how to make the pain go away.
But you see my point of all that is, I had to go through all that to be able to learn how to overcome the pain someone who was supposed to be close to me could put me through. I am now stronger than I was before and I know to stand up for myself and not ever let that hurt take control of me again. If it means cutting someone out of my life because they are playing some selfish game in life, then so be it. I don't deserve to be hurt for putting myself and everything I had out there. I don't deserve to suffer because I never did anything but help. I also wasn't born with the first name Mat. I may have let it happen numerous times in the past because I had no other outlook on life other than to help people no matter what, but not anymore. Now it is my time to thrive and look out for what is best for ME! Yes, sure that might seem selfish but again you are not being let into the full facts and details of what I am talking about. I am not selfish in anyway I promise you that!
I need to look out for my household. I need to make sure that the environment in my home is a loving and stable one with no tension or pain. I want to make sure that any child(ren) that come into this home feel peace and only the utmost amount of support and well being. And by harbouring negative feelings and generally being in the spot to let yourself be hurt isn't showing any good kind of role model. We need to stand up for ourselves and realize we are worth it. We are worth only the best things in life. We are worth only having people in our lives who love us and don't want to use and abuse us. If I let people continue to walk over me and abuse me, I am just bringing a potentially abused (even if only abandonment feeling) child into an abusive home. Not intentionally don't take my words the wrong way I understand that discipline isn't to be done by the hand.....But I mean while I am letting others abuse me I am in turn abusing myself therefore abusing my child letting them think that is ok for people to walk all over them.
Point blank - I need to be the best me possible to be the best mom possible.
So now with the misery and harder stuff out of the way onto to some good!
Peter and I have been working very hard on re-arranging the upstairs. Last weekend we took down the bed in the spare room completely cleaned out the room and steam cleaned the carpets. Waited for it to dry then took on the monsterous computer room! That room is mean let me tell you! *laughs* We had to take out the computer desk, all the computer equipment printer etc a huge cabinet and a chair a lamp and a bookshelf and cram it into the smaller what used to be spare room. So now the larger room is completely empty and the carpets have been steam cleaned TWICE. It took us quite a bit of time (with my weakling puny arms lol) to move all the furniture out. But now the room is empty and is nice and clean we can now soon start the prep work for painting.
We are going for the Minion theme. We are going to prime the walls then paint it a nice light blueish coulour. Then we are going to get decals that you an just press onto the wall and have different decorations all with minions (BELLO BANANAN!) We both love despicable me, and if we being of opposite sex can agree on the theme no matter if we are blessed with a son or daughter they should like it as well. Also thinking of the fact they might just be too young to care we can enjoy it until they are old enough to decide to change it.
I have a beautiful crib in my amazon cart that I can't buy obviously until we know what age group we are getting, but I am still getting it lol cause no matter what it transforms into a day bed a toddler bed and a double bed. It is amazing! So I am earning points toward that. Still have to look into getting a dresser, a book nook and a toy station for the room. I want it to be fully prepped and waiting for the Social worker to see that we are very serious on having a child in our lives and of course our home. We are going to Pennsylvania in Novemember for Black Friday sales. I want to see what kind of stuff they have for children and keeping it neutral get as much as I can for as cheap as possible. Toys and books and accessories like gates and monitors. Stuff that if cheap as can be I can get now and not worry about later. I am also going to be looking into safety equipment (blinds outlets etc and stuff to lock cabinets and doors etc)
I want to be as prepared as possible and have the house gutted and rid of what doesn't need to be here and filled with what does so that when January comes I am not panicking about having the social worker in my home. I will be calm cool relaxed and know that I have everything under control to keep as level headed through the process as can be.
Life is what you make of it. You can either prepare for it and look forward to it or you can dwell on the bad and expect everything good when in reality it all turns to dust. Bumps happen, and twists and turns come your way but in the long run if you know what is truely important and don't take things for granted all that matters is you enjoy the ride!
Till I write again
xox Kate xox